I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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