those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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