i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
