i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's blow job season.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
