I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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