Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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