Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize