I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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