i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
