he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
