At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
