But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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