Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
