You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
