it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
