i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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