You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
the raccoons are back...
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