I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize