My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
