When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
