There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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