true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize