My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need a beard to bite.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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