i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
