peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
