and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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