so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
