Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
