someone threw a dead crab at me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
