I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
