I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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