Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
