I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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