and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
