Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
