I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize