i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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