dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
