what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
