Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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