I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
