I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
