she woke up with a sticky ear
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
