I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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