i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize