Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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