I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I've blown a few things in my day
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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