I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
