I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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