So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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