OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
