i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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