he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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