you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize