If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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