Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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