She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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