did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he was CRYING into my vagina
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
