She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
