I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
