It's Friday. Sex?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
